1. |
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According to the advert and accompanying coupons,
They have the latest apparatus to achieve a nifty bronze,
Shimmering sequin logo t -shirts polite and friendly staff,
But upon our arrival there our hopes of membership were dashed.
They took a dim view and threw our application in the bin,
We shook hands with some of the bands but had to leave with still-pale skin,
Scathing comments and frosty looks,
A permanent place in their bad books,
Our wily charms failed to impress,
We had to leave the premises.
It's a heavy metal tanning salon,
I wish that we had never gone,
We can't use the apparatus,
We can't return there,
Now they hate us,
At the heavy metal, tanning salon
It's a heavy metal tanning salon,
I wish that we had never gone,
We can't use the apparatus,
We can't return there,
Now they hate us,
At the heavy metal tanning salon.
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2. |
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You never wanted to listen to Anthrax,
Or watch YouTube clips of Mr. T,
None of us particularly cared,
Or thought we remembered the film 'Breakfast At Tiffany's',
You always want to slag off REM,
Even though there's nothing wrong with them,
You change channel when you see Lesley Joseph,
I don't know why you find her to be so corrosive?
But I still love you almost as much as the bit in 'Commando' when he's putting all the gear on.
I still love you almost as much as the bit in 'Commando' when he's putting all the gear on.
I still love you almost as much as the bit in 'Commando' when he's putting all the gear on.
And the bit when he gets out of the shed,
And throws the blade through that lad's head,
And chops another's arm off with an axe,
That bit is also proper class,
but it's no him loading the guns and that...
I still love you almost as much as the bit in 'Commando' when he's putting all the gear on.
I still love you almost as much as the bit in 'Commando' when he's putting all the gear on.
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3. |
Denise
03:39
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Denise, you were right all along,
I was so dumb to write that song,
it's in the bin where it belongs,
I just felt wronged.
He'd won you over with some words,
That I believe were stolen from a love letter,
Found inside a Conflict sleeve,
We spent the morning in a rush,
You did your make-up on the bus,
We had some details to discuss,
And I brought up,
The Exploited example just to make you see,
That what's relevant to Allan,
Actually might mean nothing to me,
Could we for today disregard the D-beat debate,
And just enjoy the promenade.
Lets watch the Punch and Judy show,
And stick our tongues out at that wanker C.S.O.
Denise you were right all along,
I was so dumb to write that song,
It's in the bin where it belongs,
I just felt wronged,
It doesn't matter you ignored my heartfelt plea,
It doesn't matter that you wouldn't ask your uncle for a cigarette for me.
We bought a blue bucket and spade,
We got tattooed off Bova Wade,
We drank from tins of lemonade,
Sandcastles were made,
Forget you fucked my copy of 'Play Fast Or DIE'
Or the crossover thrash image,
That we tried to hinge onto in July,
Cuz I've been here five times before,
I enjoyed it each time,
But this time I've enjoyed it more,
I praise the amusement arcade,
Where we first realised everything would be okay.
We spent all of our money on the tuppenny falls,
And only half my jokes were funny but I couldn't help telling them all,
You took your merry time to get here I'll tell you now you are,
The day you warmed to me had been the warmest day that I have known so far,
I don't suppose you'd pose for photos by the sea?
Factor in Philip's reaction everything is still okay to me,
We'll never agree on the value of UK82,
But despite the fight tonight I am so glad I spent the day with you.
Denise Dense Denise Denise Denise
Denise Denise Denise Denise Denise
Denise Denise Denise Denise Denise
Denise Denise Dense Denise Denise
Denise Denise Denise Denise Denise
Denise Denise Denise Denise Denise
Denise Denise
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4. |
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Maria, my dear my aim is fairly true,
And you know I'd break my fingernails for you,
But I must please request that you relent,
Repeating each last detail of that event,
I know you saw it on TV long before that you met me,
With your ex who respects Pete Doherty,
Not the weather so blustery,
Nor faulty electricity cables could dampen the majesty,
Not a day has past as by where you have failed to try to explain the importance of it to me...
I love you but please stop talking about Radiohead's performance at Glastonbury.
I wish this world would be a touch less cruel,
Like you wish The Smiths were your favourite band in school,
But we could swim with dolphins to Dollywood And back,
We could be drinking milk in space it would not outshine the fact,
That you saw it on TV long before that you met me,
With your ex who respects Pete Doherty,
Not the weather so blustery,
Nor faulty electricity cables could dampen the majesty,
Not a day has passed by where you have failed to try to explain the importance of it to me...
I love you but please stop talking about Radiohead's performance at Glastonbury.
And it's too late to start today,
Let's just get this wedding out the way,
If you could throw the bouquet,
And think of some other things to say,
Preferably involving me...
Oh, or one of my songs about drinking tea,
Anything but Radiohead's triumphant performance at Glastonbury, 1997,not 2003
'Cause that year they didn't play the song 'Creep',
And that's your favourite song...
Yeah I know that you really like that one.
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5. |
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Today's Teutonic thrash exercise walk,
Took me to a place I'd never been before,
An allotment plot in the middle of nowhere,
Tom Angelripper from Sodom was there,
He asked if i could spare a helping hand,
I said no problem, Tom I'll do what I can,
He had some pots and things, he needed moved
around,
Told me all about the bulbs he was putting in the ground,
And I never had him down, as a Mellencamp fan,
But there we were singing along to Jack and Diane.
As we tore up weeds with aplomb and cheer,
The world began to appear with it's gardening gear,
More and more joined in as the day progressed,
'Till we all sat down for a snack and a rest,
Sitting in the sun when the work was done,
You, me Tom Angelripper and everyone...
Now we're all sitting round at Tom Angelripper's allotment,
Sitting round at Tom Angelripper's allotment
At Tom Angelripper's Allotment.
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6. |
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This really isn't me,
This really has to be,
The most out of character,
Thing that I have ever done,
I've wracked my memory,
No reasons come to me
Have I joined Guns N Roses?
Have I joined LA Guns?
How the hell could I have sat there?
How the hell did I get here?
How the hell could I not tell that this was a bad idea?
How will I get out of the trouble that I'm in?
When I get home and my mum sees what I've done to my skin...
Why the hell did I get a tattoo of a skull wearing a top hat with Dr.
R. And Roll Written underneath it in a scroll?
Why the hell did I get a tattoo of a skull wearing a top hat with Dr. R And Roll written underneath it in a scroll?
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7. |
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You led me to believe that you shared certain views with me,
As we whiled away the early hours slurping cups of tea,
I said you get some divis mind and you said don't you just?
When things were going badly you were someone I could trust,
You came around again my trademark awkwardness arose,
And you just had to say hello to me and I'd almost propose,
But the words that I spoke to you soon became words to regret,
When you became besotted by the flip flop wearing set.
And you lost your heart,
You lost it fast,
To a local vest enthusiast,
Despite what you said in the past,
You turned your back and ran.
Impressed by vests and thus attached,
To a local vest enthusiast,
One of the town’s most prominent Kasabian fans.
The pensive thoughts in my thick head quickly became unstuck,
Got smashed to bits and rearranged to spell out the phrase bad luck,
I understand you're overjoyed to be a part of things...
But stop putting your fingers on my heart it really stings.
And you lost your heart,
You lost it fast,
To a local vest enthusiast,
Despite what you said in the past,
You turned your back and ran,
Impressed by vests and thus attached,
To a local vest enthusiast,
One of the towns most prominent Kasabian fans.
And now you're well accustomed to the shirtless dopey fun,
Now you laugh at sarcastic moustache appreciation,
You've made friends with his friends girlfriends and you've made me upset,
You paid for the tattoo of his own name on his neck.
And you lost your heart,
You lost it fast,
To a local vest enthusiast,
Despite what you said in the past,
You turned your back and ran,
Impressed by vests and thus attached,
To a local vest enthusiast,
one of the towns most prominent Kasabian fans.
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8. |
Sepultura's Picnic
00:35
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Sepultura's picnic Megadeth was there,
Sepultura's picnic Megadeth was there,
Sepultura's picnic Megadeth was there,
There was lots of tasty food courtesy of the Caveleras...
Sepulturas picnic Megadeth was there.
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9. |
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I had news to share:
That copy of Ride The Lightning I accused you of taking?
Well I found it underneath the stairs,
I suppose I'm really sorry about that - I was mistaken,
When I saw you I intended to make my mistake known,
However you pre-empted with a bombshell of your own,
You're engaged to be married in the first week of July,
He popped the question at T in the Park just before Beady Eye,
And furthermore you now adore the things we used to mock back then,
You have the DVD's of Danny Dyers Deadliest Men,
It's just a very irritating conversation that's just looking to get worse.
And you know fine well,
I'm just not cut out for this idiotic conflict,
I'm too wrapped up in myself,
And the ones labelled fragile are the first ones to be drop kicked,
You expect my cigarettes in between bouts of boastful claims,
Of socialising with some of the towns trendiest names,
It's a silly conversation I want to get out of soon,
And go on to call you all the bastards in my head all afternoon,
Meanwhile I harbour intentions to hatch a dastardly plan,
To put a cat among the Pigeon Detectives fans,
It's just a very irritating conversation that's just looking to get worse.
And by the way I don't watch things about spaceships,
So that joke was made groundlessly,
And I don't really think Jamie Theakston is the same person as Jamie T,
And I did not go mad three years ago,
Oh what does Donnas cousin know??
Apart from lots of things about lots of things that I think are stupid... obviously.
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10. |
I Am A Judge
00:33
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I am a judge,
I've got my own court,
I'm allowed to wear a cloak and people call me Lord,
I've got my own quarters,
I decide the stretch,
I'm allowed to bang a little hammer off my desk,
I am a judge,
I am a judge,
I am a judge,
I am a judggggggge.
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11. |
Black Metal Dad
02:40
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He knows that they're there and he knows why they stare,
And the smirking doesn't irk him no he doesn't even care,
Their boastful posts in the group chat 'bout the hours down the gym,
And the beauty product pyramid schemes are just as dumb to him,
In his 'Don't Break The Oath' T-shirt and the bullet belt,
At the coffee mornings and the jumble sales he tries to be of help,
But they just look the other way mumble among themselves
Exchanging looks over the glasses over everything he says...
He's a black metal dad in an unfriendly place
Where it's frowned upon to have corpse paint daubed upon your face,
He's a black metal dad persona non -grata again,
And should he spot that last Pandora charm it's going down the drain.
He goes to the sports days he goes to all the games,
Where the Rogan quoting other dads will call him silly names
They think that he likes Guns n Roses and they think that's pretty weird,
But he cassettes he gets from Norway would make them break down in
tears,
When he's at the harvest festival he remains to be stoic,
Even though the local vicar is being a total dick,
Trying to turn everything round to the perils of black magic
Making jokes about the bloke who looks like he forgot his broomstick
He's a black metal dad in an unfriendly place
Where it's frowned upon to have corpse paint daubed upon your face,
He's a black metal dad persona non -grata again,
And should he spot that last Pandora charm it's going down the drain
BLACK METAL DAD
He's a black metal dad,
He's a black metal dad,
He's a black metal dad,
He's a black metal dad,
He's a black metal dad,
He's a black metal dad,
He's a black metal dad,
And If he spots that lost Pandora charm Its going down the drain.
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12. |
Ronan Keating
00:35
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He's got a lot of money.,
He used to sing in a boy band,
I'd expect that he is very charming,
Thom Yorke ignored him in a hotel,
He's on the radio,
And he appears on telly sometimes... in the afternoons.
Ronan Keating, Ronan Keating, Ronan Keating, Ronan Keating, Ronan Keating, Ronan Keating, Ronan Keating, Ronan Keating, Ronan Keating, Ronan Keating!!!
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13. |
Damon & Debbie
02:20
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We felt we'd outgrown Hollyoaks long ago in the past,
We both knew fine well some things just don't last,
Experiments with Emmerdale had failed to help us mend,
Getting back into Neighbours couldn't save us in the end,
Those afternoons we'd spend pretending it was meant to be,
As the fact loomed we were as doomed as Damon and Debbie.
Nothing turns out to be everlasting,
Even Jimmy and Jackie broke apart,
And this is what I chose,
But it feels like I've one of those,
Police murder chalk outlines instead of a heart.
Got to work this morning but I didn't want to stay,
Catherine had said I could have a half day,
Walked around to spark some wistful thoughts off in my head,
Thought if at first you don't succeed sedate yourself instead.
Watching 'The Lost Weekend' again alone on the settee,
We had some fun but we're as done as Damon and Debbie.
Nothing turns out to be everlasting,
Even Jimmy and Jackie broke apart,
And this is what I chose but it feels like I've one of those,
Police murder chalk outlines instead of a heart.
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14. |
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Party in the front and party in the back,
Harley Davidsons clogging up the cul-de-sac,
Chalices and a cauldron for cups and a kettle,
But they're all pretty friendly If you like heavy metal,
Hanging battle flags off the washing line,
Hailing and killing almost all of the time,
Swanning round in the garden with a sword and a shield,
Telling tales of valour on the battlefield,
I'm living right next door to Manowar,
Living right next door to Manowar,
Living right next door to Manowar,
I Live right next door to Manowar,
Living right next door to Manowar,
Living right next door to Manowar
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15. |
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Ten glazed strawberries arranged - blanket unfurled,
Six exceedingly good Viennese whirls,
French fancies, cherry brandies all out on display
Eat ice cream sandwiches and wish our lives away.
Pour from the flask into those paper cups,
Revisit warmth of compliments once paid to us,
These brand new bicycles will barely get us by,
The things I said when I was in no mood to lie.
Rainbow candies and these nasty looks from you,
I'd sit quiet about it if only I could do,
Amid the jive I connive to switch my cup for yours,
Be bright, be bold and be prepared for cold sores.
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The Young Property Developers England, UK
Exquisitely clever lyrics with poetic rebellion that cut through his chord thrashing, punky guitar with razor sharp wit & poignant observation.
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